Industry Job Fairs

That’s four in almost as many days now, bookending the weekend just passed quite nicely. And all have been slightly reminiscent in at least one respect of an early spring sunny Saturday morning encounter that happened some two years ago now, whilst idling my solitary but upbeat path along Gosforth high street towards the nearby Asda. Nearing my destination I was accosted by two well-spoken and be-suited - and we’re not talking cheap vaguely-tailored-in-a-Taiwanese-sweat-shop-for-the-blind as available in all good Burtons variety either – no siree. These were good suits, these were blue suits, and they were sported winningly by two shiny-toothed, clean-cut, foppishly blonde and exfoliated wholesome young gentlemen from the good old U.S of A.

I’d spotted them a hundred yards or-so ahead and had funny feeling I knew from a previous similar encounter with two different, but similarly clean-cut, foppishly blonde and exfoliated wholesome young gentlemen, that I knew what they were about:

The Church of Christ, Scientist.

Something about my shambling and slightly hung over nature must have reached out to them that morning, as, before I knew it introductions had been made and I was summarily invited to a meeting at (insert somewhere, I know not where, but it was in Gateshead) for a reading, and to receive my free gold embossed bible. Lord, or whoever they preach to - my cup truly runneth over…

All very nice, but like the Employment Agencies post further down - they just would not let go, and before I knew it they were asking for my phone number in order to interrupt my evening plans so we could have a bit of a chinwag later.

Now, being a bit of an idiot myself, I am known to suffer fools quite gladly, but this just would not do, not without a few key questions being asked first. I mean, if they expect me to go to a meeting in Gateshead, AND then want to discuss things further about it on the phone afterwards – free gold embossed bible or no free gold embossed bible - one or two deal-breaking prerequisites have to be met first.

And pretty high on the list is:

"Will there be a bit of a spread?". My young friends looked at one another clearly puzzled, so I repeated the question in a somewhat unhelpful fashion; "Y’know – a bit of a spread? Erm, like vol au vents and things - y’know – those small pastry things with delicious mouth watering fillings?". From their blank expressions I quickly summised that they didn't have a clue, so I elaborated further with sandwich’s, cut into triangles, preferably with the crusts cut off, and possibly a fine array of pickles and other assorted nibbles, with those long and thin dried bread stick things you get free in cheap Italian restaurants for the purposes of dipping...

My young American friends sadly fell at the first hurdle. The point is, if you want anyone to go anywhere or do anything that is remotely out of their way in this country, especially strangers, then usually, after free ale, the best way is to offer to put on a bit of a spread, and preferably the two combined. And so off they went with my sound advice ringing in their ears. I hope the Church of Christian Science learnt something that day.

So, these job fairs then?

Well, the ‘spreads’ have been, by-and-large, things of splendorous beauty – crammed full of fat juicy prawns – great coral reefs of sandwich’s with a once-swimming medley of hopefully sustainable and definately wondrous fillings that would put Kerry Katona’s ‘big shop’ at Iceland for original van-flattened badger burgers, well-and-truly into the shade…

And the jobs?

I’m really not sure - my interview technique may need to be refined because opening gambits such as: “Sorry, I’d take my hat off, but at the age of 33 – I am quite literally in the middle of a bad hair life…”, probably doesn’t bode well for my future employment.